I Was Very Bad - Stupid Emotions

After the bad GI Dr visit (Part 1 here -- Part 2 here), I was very upset.  I know how I feel and it feels like gastroparesis, just like my first GI Dr diagnosed me with from the 2 hr GES test.   But now this GI Dr will not diagnose me with it until I have a 4 hr GES test.

Unfortunately what I focused on when I got home was how she didn't think I had GP, but rather something neurological.

I was so tired when I got home, I watched my couple of favorite tv shows and then took a nap.  2 hours later I woke, still upset and now needing something to eat.  Since I didn't feel good (GP wise), I wasn't hungry but hadn't ate anything all day.   So, what do I reach for?  A smoothie?  Soup?  No and No.

My mind went to, 'what can I eat that is high in fat and high in fiber?', 'if I don't have gp then it will not matter what I eat'.   Not a good thought.   I wished my husband was home and he could have stopped this self destruct.   I made something very bad for me and in a very large amount.  The amount that I would have eaten, pre-gp.   Then looked at it one last time before I dove in!  I never had a second thought.  When tears ran down my face, I should have stopped.  It wasn't from the physical pain, but the emotional pain of that stupid GI Dr meeting.

The thoughts of how I held her so high on a pedestal and how hurt I was with today.   How could any Dr do that?  But I knew the answer to that.  My 1st GI Dr was that way, yet I still think she was a little worse.

For some reason the meal did not hit me as bad as I expected.  I really didn't have any other heightened issues from eating that.   Then that part worried me.  Maybe I don't have GP, since I didn't have the reaction I was expecting.   Then the past came flooding in.  Why was I not throwing up as much as I was when I was first diagnosed.  Am I getting better?  I didn't think so.  None of my family thinks so.  So, what is wrong with me?

I was on the fence to decide if I wanted the GES test done, as it could effect my disability claim down the road.  But with all of these thoughts in my head, I have given in and will go do the test.

In now way am I recommending that you go off of your GP 'diet' and have a food-frenzy as I did.  That action could land you in ER.   I am sorry that I did it. Yet happy for it, as it helped me decide what I need to do next in my medical journey.